Confessions from A Busy Brain

I have been anxious lately...teetering precariously on the edge of overwhelmed. Thoughts are spinning and emotions are running unusually high and I'm barely able to keep focused on any one thing to even see it through.

In the past, I've called these cycles "a funk," but for now, I am thinking that I need to really commit to a shift. A shift in thinking, in perspective, in attitude and ultimately, in action.

A little background if you'll indulge me:

I am so. very. tired. My work schedule of late has been nothing short of grueling and I'm pretty much just done for the moment. Brain is complete mush. Have worked 12 hour days in the office with my eye on the blackberry every minute I'm home and hours into the evening spent crouched over the laptop. Weekends are a blur of errands, catching up on stuff I should do during the week and yes, more time with the blackberry and laptop. And also? I haven't done a true vacation since my honeymoon 2 years ago and all the mini vacations I do are really just me working from a different location. Not in the office - nice, but I'm still connected and not really getting a break.

I feel very out of shape and just not healthy. No balance, no working out, no cooking fresh, good meals. Just work. Rushing. Takeout. Headaches. Excuses. Bitching. Over-thinking, over analyzing, sheer overload. No reading, not enough time with Hubby or the dogs, no photography, no blogging, just work, think about work, rinse, cycle repeat.

And the worse part? The more I do this, the less I feel that I'm doing any of it well. My focus feels off at work, my energy off at home. Priorities are out of whack and the associated guilt can be crushing.

This I know for sure: a good portion of this is entirely my fault. Driven by my warped sense of perfection and Type-A inspired drive to do it all, have it all. But as I sit here typing this (with a pile of work just waiting for me), I'm beginning to wonder...if at the end of the day, I'm still feeling like I'm failing at multiple things, what really is the point?

This I also know - the dilemma is not unique to me. I'm not the first to cry defeat in the pursuit of balance and I won't be the last. I am not the only one who works insane hours and still wants to somehow have a life.

For today, for right now, I just needed to come here and say it. I don't have the answer, but I'm going to think about it. A lot.

And Internet, tomorrow is a new day. Thanks for listening.