A Cycle Repeats

i know this girl. she is very close to my heart. she's terrific - kind and thoughtful and beautiful and sugary sweet. i used to dress her up and pretend to be her mama. she depended on me all those years ago - fun fun, for play, for the occasional bottle, for family. and today - for reasons entirely different and entirely more grown up, she reaches out to me.

hearing from her elicits a range of emotions - mostly sadness this time around because she is hurting and i wouldn't see her hurt for all the puppies and rainbows and sun-drenched beach walks in the world.

this particular correspondence also tugs at another of my heartstrings - this one long buried and painfully, slowly, in-the-raw escaped, learned from, grown out of.

her situation takes me back to a similar time in my own life. a time when i lost sight of my true self - independent of others, standing alone, needing no explanations, deserving to shine. i try not to waste an inch of this life on regret, but that time is the one exception. and it is a purposeful exception, and an important one. cherished lessons, hard-earned wisdom, gut-wrenching, ass-kicking healing came from that time. but it did not come quick. and it did not come easily.

i told this special girl, march on. time heals all wounds. don't lose sight of you. just keeping going. one moment, one breath, one blink at a time. you'll look back on this and you'll marvel at the strength you earned and learned and displayed. or you won't. the choice is yours. and if you make the wrong one (or really, just one that isn't worthy of you), you'll regret it longer than you can really fathom today. feel all you need to feel, sweet girl. and then let go. blessed, cherished, deserved release. and until then, surround yourself with friends, books, baths, walks, whatever it takes...

in many ways, i was definitely talking to this young woman of my heart, but i think also, in some sense, to that much younger, much meeker, much more impressionable me. the one with the world at her feet and every opportunity to soar, if only she would drop the rusty, creaky anchor from around her neck...if only she would let go. release what was assuredly (even then she knew it deep down) toxic to her ability to thrive and grow and shine in this world.

my hope tonight is that this girl will make the right decision for her. and that her road to peace will be simpler and faster and kinder than was my path. and i also take this time to whisper to that part of me, it's ok. it wasn't perfect, but we got through it and would change nothing of life's landscape today. let go and forgive what you weren't able to be back then. perhaps, because of that time, you can provide insight unequaled to someone who desperately needs it now.

forgiveness is most tricky when its object is rooted in self.

so for tonight, a whispered wish and a prayer for my sweet friend, my treasured family. i am here. and i listen and i know with utmost certainty that this too shall pass (enter cheesy cliche) and you'll look back at this version of yourself for years to come. the wish is that you'll love the you of your past and forgive her if decisions and actions in the moment aren't what they would be through the lens of additional years of living, learning and growing in perspective.

hang on tight and know that i (and many other) am here to catch you if you slip and fall.